Quotation Wednesday – The Bill Maher Edition
The Messy Optimist
“Americans today confuse freedom with not being asked to sacrifice. The fact that you can’t have everything you want exactly when you want it has somehow become un-American.”
“New Rule: Gay marriage won’t lead to dog marriage. It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species coupling. When women got the right to vote, it didn’t lead to hamsters voting. No court has extended the equal protection clause to salmon. And for the record, all marriages are “same sex” marriages. You get married, and every night, it’s the same sex.”
“When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.”
“Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?”
“Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit.'”
“Freedom isn’t free. It shouldn’t be a bragging point that ‘Oh, I don’t get involved in politics,’ as if that makes someone cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn’t insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable.”
“Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.”
“We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels & free thinkers. It’s overrun with sheep & conformists.”
“I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.”
“Don’t you miss the days when America was just MORALLY bankrupt?”
“I’ll show you Obama’s birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin’s high school diploma.”
“Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom.”
“I wouldn’t touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can’t figure out how to make into a belt?”
“Let’s make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake – you know, to send the right message to kids.”
“New Rule: People on reality shows have to quit saying, “You either love me or you hate me.” There’s actually a third option: not giving a shit about you.”
