How the ‘Rule of 5 Little Things’ Helped Me Navigate Grief (Part 8)
By Roopa Swaminathan
Author’s Note
Living with Grief is a series of articles on my journey into loss and grief. Life as I knew it upended when I lost two people closest to me in a span of one week in December 2020. As much as those around me – friends and family, art, films, music, and literature – tried to explain the process of grieving, the reality is that the heartbreak I felt was at a level that was/is unimaginable to me.
It was also a time when I had to face some stark realities of life. Time did not lessen my pain. There was/is no end game here – even though many around me want me to ‘suck it up’ and ‘get over it’ and ‘move on’ because my constant grieving affects ‘their mental well-being’. Some 18 months later – I still wake up and go to bed with the same intensity of grief I felt back in December 2020. What has changed, however, is that I’ve learned to live with my loss. I’ve learned to navigate my way through life with grief as a constant.
I wrote this series as a way to handle the many truths that I faced in these past 18 months. I wrote it as a way to heal. But honestly, every single day is still a struggle. But writing has helped. I hope these stark ruminations during the worst week of my life and its aftermath can help you in some small measure.
God Speed.
A recent article called ‘The Rule of 5 Little Things to be more Productive, Focused, and Happier’ (https://www.inc.com/jeff-haden/feel-stuck-use-rule-of-5-little-things-to-start-being-more-productive-focused-happier.html ) got me thinking. In it, the article refers to the legendary 15-time Grammy Award-winning guitarist, Joe Satriani, who was struggling to fix a problem with one of his songs. Satriani tried all he could but simply could not fix whatever the issue was with the song. In despair, he turned to his producer, Jim Scott, who made a simple suggestion. Scott asked Satriani to start simple and identify 5 issues with the song that they could then fix one by one. Satriani followed Scott’s suggestion and was able to fix the issues he had with the song. He says, “Often, you’ll find those little fixes totally change your perception of the whole.”
Absolutely.
Interestingly enough, I’d followed the rule of 5 things over the past two years without actually realizing I had.
Who I was in the months after December 2020 to today – there is such a radical change in me.
I’m still grieving. I’m still in pain. I still mourn the loss of those I lost in 2020. Time hasn’t lessened the impact of my grief or loss in any way.
BUT…
Back then I thought I wouldn’t survive the extent of my loss but two years later – here I am. Still here. Still living.
I work. I cook. I clean. I eat. I even laugh now.
I thought back to this article I read last week and I wondered how I got to this place. I mean – I still FEEL as deeply as I did in the months following December 2020. But on a day-to-day basis – who I am now is so different than who I was two years back. So, did I, unbeknownst to me, follow the 5-step rule? Did I find those five things that bothered me and then fixed them? And if I did, what were they?
Step 1: Realizing that grief is a forever process
Understanding that I will always, always, always mourn the loss of my close ones and that I will, probably, never, ever be OK with having lost them. Grieving them will always be a fundamental part of my life, moving forward. And, most importantly, it’s OK to feel that way. So, no matter how much it bothers others that I’m still grieving – I no longer care. It’s not my job to make others feel better about not grieving as much as I do or feel guilty that I am still grieving.
Step 2: Finding an outlet to vent
Very early on I realized that I needed an outlet to vent the deep agony that I found myself almost swallowed under. The agony of loss, of having close family bail on me, of feeling guilty every time I found something to enjoy – I needed to find an outlet to express all these emotions. Therapy helped to a certain extent but I knew I needed more. So, while I’ve always been a writer, I’ve written more these past 15 months and in every genre possible than I have in my whole life. Writing has been more therapeutic than even therapy has for me.
Step 3: Let go of the baggage that’s holding you back
People, situations, life – what I cannot manage or control – I no longer worry or get hassled about. Two words are now my mantra for everything.
Let. Go.
If there is an issue that you cannot resolve? Let go.
If there is a problem for which there is no solution? Let go.
If there are people who no longer want to be by your side? LET GO.
Life’s hard enough even when there are only things that you CAN handle. Why make it harder on yourself by worrying about what you cannot handle or control?
Let. Go.
Step 4: Take life one step at a time
The realization that I may never be whole again is something I now understand and have come to terms with.
One of the biggest discoveries I made over these two years is that I could not go from being gutted in grief to becoming whole again at the snap of my finger. And that I cannot – ever – go back to being who I was before the tragedy. That ship had sailed and it ain’t never coming back.
Post-December 2020, I would go to bed hoping, yearning, and praying I wouldn’t wake up the next morning.
Two years on – I now wake up and look at the day in front of me and deal with it as best as I can. I also ONLY think about what’s in front of me at that moment and nothing else.
One step at a time. One hour at a time. One day at a time.
Step 5: Have no expectations whatsoever from people
This is the biggest step for me. I no longer expect anything from anyone. When I get something – I’m grateful and thankful for it. If I don’t – I let it slide off like water off my back. Not having any expectations also means that I’m no longer hurt when people hurt me. Because let’s face it – people will hurt you.
Knowing that I followed the 5-step rule even without knowing of its existence has allowed me to feel more positive about the other challenges that I continue/will continue to face.
How about you?
