Daily Itinerary of Mark Who Shows How Hard it is to Pretend to Work Hard

By Roopa Swaminathan

8:00 AM: I look angry AF, talk loudly to no one on the cell phone, say shit that’s random and un-pinnable to a specific issue like — ‘That is unacceptable!” “You promised I’d get the approval today!” and walk towards my desk briskly.

8:35 AM: I look around vaguely and nod when I see a colleague. I continue raging on the phone. When Mary saunters over, I cut her off immediately. “Sorry M. Can’t talk. Working on the report for the meeting!” I then act surprised that Mary asks, ‘What meeting?” I don’t clarify and watch her slink off sad that she is not ‘in the know.’

9:00 AM: I quickly spread random bits of printed paper all over my desk. I then strategically place a few open files so that they look haphazard and I appear busy. I wear my glasses (get no-power glasses if you have to) and peer into my computer. Just FYI: I always have 72 tabs open on my Google chrome. The clicks on my mouse increase exponentially whenever anyone passes by my desk.

11:00 AM: When Sean, my immediate competitor, comes by — I drop my first set of corporate word bombs that say nothing, don’t go anywhere, are basically useless but sound impressive. “Sean! Just outlining all the stakeholders we need to incentivize and look for ways to cross-pollinate their ideas and energize the ecosystem.” I try to look empathetic as Sean drowns in misery.

11:22 AM: I call my office phone from my cell phone once every 5/10 minutes and sigh loudly and moan that ‘people won’t leave me alone.’ I then quickly cut off incoming calls.

12:25 PM: It’s time for a quick walk. I pick up a few papers and files and tell my colleagues that “I will be right back!” I then quickly walk towards the staircase no one uses and walk up and down. I get my exercise in even as the suffocating heat makes me sweat buckets (adding to my ‘busy’ look). I return back to my desk in ten breathless and looking pissed.

1:00 PM: I shrug and shake my head tiredly and gesture to all the ‘work on my desk’ that needs to be done when my workmates set out for lunch. When the floor is almost empty, I sneak in a protein bar and watch Ozark on my phone. I make sure my peripheral vision catches anyone walking by my desk and put the 72 open Chrome tabs to work. There’s nothing more impressive (to my bosses) and more threatening (to my colleagues) than my ‘sacrificing’ lunch for work.

3:45 PM: When the actual boss walks my way, I pretend not to see or hear her. I furrow my eyes, look constipated and shuffle the papers/files on my desk. I then jump up from my workaholic reverie after the boss calls me out a few times. I then drop the whole “Sorry, Ruby! Been working on the new project, you know?” She doesn’t. But she’s too egoistic to ask for an explanation.

3:47 PM: I quickly remember to SUCK UP. I SUCK UP BIG TO MY BOSS. It’s also time for the next round of word bombs. I strategically repeat words she uses back to her. “Been ideating, nucleating, and scaling up the ideas on all of our verticals. The problem is all of the departments are working in silos. That cannot be good for any of us.”

3:48 PM: NOW I SUCK UP EVEN HARDER. “Just following in your footsteps, Ruby! Elaborating on your core and brilliant ideas!” I look at her like she is MLK Jr and HRC combined when she tosses back vague gems like, “Lovely. Always prioritize and be proactive!”

3:49 PM: I continue sucking up. I nod furiously and drop the ‘B’ word. “Right! On it, boss!” Then I drop the ‘M’ word. “I’m the luckiest to have you as my mentor!” I mentally high-five as Ruby beams in delight.

6:16 PM: The hard work day will eventually end. BUT I NEVER LEAVE FIRST. Never. I wait impatiently till Sean leaves. THEN I pop into the boss’s cabin, look exhausted, and casually drop my colleague under the bus and say, “Heading out, boss. Wanted to work with Sean on fine-tuning the report you asked but he left early!” I watch as the boss looks irritated AF at Sean but waves me off with a grateful, I’m-so-lucky-to-have-you-Mark look on her face.