Living With Grief – The Aftermath and Dealing With Triggers (Part 6)
By Roopa Swaminathan
Author’s Note
Living with Grief is a series of articles on my journey into loss and grief. Life as I knew it upended when I lost two people closest to me in a span of one week in December 2020. As much as those around me – friends and family, art, films, music, and literature – tried to explain the process of grieving, the reality is that the heartbreak I felt was at a level that was/is unimaginable to me.
It was also a time when I had to face some stark realities of life. Time did not lessen my pain. There was/is no end game here – even though many around me want me to ‘suck it up’ and ‘get over it’ and ‘move on’ because my constant grieving affects ‘their mental well-being’. Some 18 months later – I still wake up and go to bed with the same intensity of grief I felt back in December 2020. What has changed, however, is that I’ve learned to live with my loss. I’ve learned to navigate my way through life with grief as a constant.
I wrote this series as a way to handle the many truths that I faced in these past 18 months. I wrote it as a way to heal. But honestly, every single day is still a struggle. But writing has helped. I hope these stark ruminations during the worst week of my life and its aftermath can help you in some small measure.
God Speed.
Just as grief and the process of grieving are not linear…so is the recovery after loss. Who I was and how I felt in the immediate aftermath of losing my parents is a LOT different from who I am and how I feel – some 18 months after the tragedy.
The pain is still as intense for me now as it was. OK. So maybe there is a mild difference. It’s now down to 98 when it was 100 eighteen months back. Some of the aftereffects change with time. Others stay the same. But I have a sense of clarity now that I did not have before. The brain fog has lifted. I still feel deeply and intensely but things are a lot more lucid.
And that made me mull over the things that affect me now. What are my triggers? What are some of the life truths that I have learned? The following is a list of the things I grapple with daily now. I hope these help as you try and navigate the devastating loss in your life.
Losing Connection With the Extended Family
Unless you have your one-on-one connection with members of the extended family – old or young – when your parents die, that connection inevitably falls by the wayside. Especially when both your parents leave you in quick succession as mine did. My friends tell me that losing one parent allowed them the space to grieve but it also helped them build relationships with the extended family of the parent who was still alive. I did/do not have that luxury.
With my extended family, I can count on one hand – well three fingers to be exact – the number of family members who’ve kept in touch with me. There was a flurry of calls after the tragedy – enough to almost lull you into believing that you have the support of the extended family. You think (falsely) that your parents’ brothers and sisters and cousins and aunts and uncles will keep in touch. Yeah. They don’t. Like I said…three fingers for the three people from BOTH sides of my family who continue to check in.
Be prepared for that.
Personally, I miss some of them. The others – done and dusted. They’re out of my life. And good riddance to bad rubbish.
Be Prepared For Triggers
I have so many. Some are logical, others completely weird. The one very logical trigger I have are the sounds of ambulances. With the Coronavirus and the pandemic and my home being in the middle of three hospitals – the sounds of ambulance sirens were on the high side even during normal times. Can you imagine what it’s like now? There are some days when it feels like a non-stop wailing of a newborn baby. I have a physical reaction every time I hear the lamenting yowls of an ambulance. It takes me back to very, very, very dark days and sends me into a mental spiral.
The next trigger for me has to do with my Amma’s love affair with ravens. When Amma was alive she fed ravens every single day. We got our lunch only after she’d fed a flock of them that showed up every single day between 10:30a-noon. Amma believed that the ravens were a sign from our family ancestors. I cannot make sense of this because that would mean that my Amma is a raven now. When I hear a raven cawing…I keep thinking…is it her? Is the raven perching on the balcony my mother? The thought freaks me out. I just CANNOT deal with this. So, no. I don’t feed any ravens…not yet. This is one trigger I simply cannot deal with for now.
Of course – the worst triggers come from people’s thoughtless comments. These are some of the most common ones you can expect to get.
It was time for them to go.
You NEED to MOVE ON.
They lived a long and happy and fulfilled life.
They did not suffer…that’s what you need to remember.
You can now live your life to the fullest.
Why don’t you travel?
Whatever happened, happened for the best.
People generally mean well. But for those still feeling the pain of loss – they sound worse than the most pedantic of platitudes.
Having Extremely Dark Thoughts
Not gonna lie. In the first few months after my parents died…I was never suicidal. But I prayed for so many days that I would go to bed and not wake up the next morning. I wanted to go away peacefully and quietly and be reunited with my Amma and Appa. I’ve talked to multiple loss survivors and this seems to be a common enough theme. So, don’t be scared when you have those deep and dark thoughts yourself. I knew about it and confided in a few friends. Some freaked out, others talked me out of the deep despair I found myself in. It’s still a work in progress for me, I’m afraid.
Eighteen months later – I still battle dark thoughts. There are times I wonder what’s even the point of my life. What am I living for? Who am I living for?
Again – not suicidal but I do think about death a lot more than I ever did. And not in the best of ways.
Feeling Guilt – About Smiling and Smelling the Roses
Yeah. So, despite being mired in sadness…there are now times when I smile after watching a TV show or listening to a standup comic. I find myself making plans for the future that now only involve thinking about myself. I, occasionally, even find myself being excited about a new idea, a new job prospect, or a new travel plan.
And then I feel guilty.
Everyone says you should move on. But how can you move on knowing that the two most important people in your life are gone forever?
You hate when others ask you to ‘move on’ and then wonder how you think about ‘moving on?’
Feeling Guilt for Clinging to Your Loss
This feeling is made worse when you read stories about little kids who became orphans overnight because both their parents died after being infected with Covid. You think – I’m a bloody adult. There are so many kids and young adults who’ve lost their parents. I was incredibly lucky to have my parents for as long as I did. So, why then am I still mourning their loss after 18 months?
Then you ask yourself…how long is it OK to mourn?
This gets worse when people who SHOULD be on your side get irritated with you. Just because they have moved on – they want you to move on too.
I’ve had people close to me tell me things like, “I’m not going to follow up with Roopa because she hasn’t contacted me in two months! Relationships have to be a reciprocal thing!” “I’m tired of being the one who has to call her all the time!”
Yes. That has happened.
When You Don’t Get Any Signs or They Don’t Come In Your Dreams
From randomly hearing old songs that were their beloved ones’ favorites to finding their favorite things like pennies, cards, ravens, fragrances and aromas, butterflies, feathers…I hear and read so many stories about folks who get signs from those who’ve passed.
I haven’t gotten any. NOT A SINGLE ONE. I agonize over it.
And then there are family members who tell me that my Amma and Appa come in their dreams all the time. It wasn’t until a few weeks back that both Amma and Appa came into my dreams. I don’t remember the dream itself. But it was the first time they did. I get very angry and sad and upset with them for not coming into my dreams more often.
This is where I am at right now. Every day is me ‘hoping for the best and preparing for the worst.’
As much as I hope that my travel through grief and loss is helping any of your reading this – please know that I’m so, so, so sorry for your loss.
