Quotation Wednesday – The Chelsea Handler Edition (1)
by the messy optimist
“I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.”
From My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
“At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.”
“The reason I watch porn is for their erotic locales, intricate story lines and cliffhangers.”
“My mother told me that life isn’t always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.”
“Not everyone in school needs to look like a slut but there should always be one… and I enjoyed being her.”
“I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”
From My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
“Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it’s all you can do to take a breath? It’s a pain you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy; you wouldn’t want to pass it on to anyone else for fear he or she might not be able to bear it. It’s the pain of being betrayed by a person with whom you’ve fallen in love. It’s not as serious as death, but it feels a whole lot like it, and as I’ve come to learn, pain is pain any way you slice it.”
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”
From Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea
“At first I thought he was just pissed about his Mohawk, but then I realized he’s probably furious. Maddox must have thought he hit the jackpot when some A-list celebrity rescued him from third-world Cambodia, only to discover that she was going to shuffle him back and fro to EVERY other third-world country in the universe. He’s probably like, ‘When the fuck are we gonna get to Malibu, bitch?'”
“I’m very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.”
““You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU”
