Savvy Auntie Tips For Raising A Teenager

by roopa swaminathan

Frazzled

Savvy Auntie Tips For Raising A Teenager

Parenting tips we can all learn from

1. Be Supportive (AKA: Always Side With Your Nephew)

Sense the atmosphere. Your 14-year-old nephew will always be pissed off with his parents. And when that happens — always side with the teen. Vile talk, gross innuendoes, crass humor — nothing should escape your unwavering approval. Be the adult, hold your vomit in, and nod furiously in agreement when your nephew whines about how he got unfairly gypped out of a seat in the engineering department at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, the 18th worst college in America. Don’t ever point out (in fact, erase from your memory) that his 2.1 GPA and the school counsellor’s note which read No aptitude whatsoever for STEM may have played a part in his now barely getting into a community college.

In other words, leave the REAL TALK to the parents. Your job is to have his back.

2. Be A Guiding Light (AKA: Be The Cool Aunt)

When the nephew casually saunters in at midnight and tries to slither off to his bedroom while your sibling rages and rants and asks questions like Where have you been? Don’t you know it’s school night? You’re grounded! — tut tut sympathetically and remain calm and serene like Mother Teresa. When your brother looks at you for support, say gently, “Calm down, man! Your son was just late by a few hours. Don’t you remember when you came home late because you and your wife did IT in the backseat of dad’s 1951 Corvette?”

Watch with pleasure as your brother goes up in smoke and your nephew air high-fives you.

3. Be Strategic (AKA: Treat Your Relationship Like A Tennis Match And Only Serve Aces)

Your constant sucking up to your nephew will eventually come to a head. Your brother will give you ultimatums. There are rules that my son has to follow! You have to be the adult here! If you can’t be on my side, then get out of my house! Keep calm and play the martyr. Roll your eyes at your nephew, shrug your shoulders as if you just can’t understand his father’s behavior, and make silent I’ll-call-you phone gestures as you walk slowly towards the door. Remember, body language is key. Keep your head down and act completely defeated. When you’re at the front door, turn around and bid a silent wave to the teen before walking out. If absence makes the heart grow fonder, getting banned will win their love forever.

Game. Set. Match.

4. Be Mature (AKA: Act Like An Adult on Occasion)

When your bro finally lets you back in after being banished, be smart, act like an adult, and pretend you know right from wrong. When your sibling lectures the teen on why doing pot with friends is stupid, agree with your brother and watch him beam with delight. And just when the furious nephew is about to dropkick you out of his life, casually reminisce about the good old days when your bro smoked a joint with his then-girlfriend, now-wife in the upstairs attic of your parents’ house. Toss your brother a few innocent I-don’t-know-why-you’re-frowning looks and say, “Don’t you remember? Dad thought the attic was on fire, but it was just you lighting up a doobie?” Watch with delight as your smiling brother transforms into the Joker and your grateful nephew bursts into self-righteous laughter.

Your goodness will pay off. I promise.

5. Be Generous (AKA: When All Else Fails, Buy Their Love)

When all else fails (and trust me on this, it will), pull yourself together and buy their love. No matter what it takes and how much of your own self you have to mortgage/sell to accomplish this, find a way to make it happen. iPhone 422? Macbook Pro? Nintendo? Whatever. The key here is to show up your sibling. So, make sure you buy the teen something that your brother cannot afford (which is no problem with you being single and him having a family and all). At bare minimum, purchase a gift that’s at least $100 more than what the teen’s parents bought them. Then watch your nephew as he goes apeshit as he unwraps the iPad Pro you bought him, moments after his parents gifted him a copy of Lean In with a note that read, “We love you. You can Lean In to us your entire life.” What they thought was cute now sounds tacky and cheap. Watch with delight as your nephew tosses the book aside and rushes to you, hugs you tight, and calls you ‘the best auntie, ever.’

Victory.

6. Be There (AKA: Remember You’ll Always Be Their Number One)

Rest assured knowing that you’re doing the right thing at all times. Pat yourself on the back when the stupid nephew is all swagger in front of a girl he has no hope in hell of landing and gets arrested for smoking weed smack dab in front of a policeman in a mall. Because, yes. Teenagers are that stupid. But the good news is — you’ll be their first and only phone call he’ll make from jail.

And that is what really matters.